It would seem that my dogs decided to rumble with a skunk tonight. I'm not sure who the loser was, but I think I am being made to suffer for their sins. The stench. Beyond words. Way beyond.

I have been home for one month now. 31 days. I am glad to be out of Texas. Not sure I will ever go back. Nice people and all, but never have I felt less at home in a state. Even Colorado, with the emotionally overwhelming mountains, struck more kindredly than Texas did with my heart.

Have I mentioned the smell in here? Yuck.

Anyway, so I've been home for a while now. Way back when I first came back, well, a month ago...I said I'd be here 6 weeks max. And believe it or not, I might have guessed right. I think things are coming together money-wise, and I am going to be able to leave in a couple of weeks. It's amazing. But it's God, and I will never cease to be amazed by God.

And speaking of God (which I was...), I've been reading this book lately that has made me rethink my faith. Not rethink God so much as rethink myself. And really, I've already read the book, cover to cover. So I guess I'm just still thinking about what this guy Don Miller has to say. The book is called Blue like Jazz. And it's beautiful. It's not without errors, (including a typo...I love finding typos in books. It makes me feel smart and it makes me think I could be an editor if this whole youth minister/missionary thing falls through (but don't judge my skills by my writing in here)) and it's definitely written by a man. But, despite the sometimes odd style of writing, the guy is honest. I mean, real, smack-you-between-the-eyes-with-a-2x4-honest. And I liked it. I liked it a lot.

Amidst all this rethinking I was doing, I realized something. While I've been moaning and groaning and bemoaning, and generally lamenting these "wasted weeks" at home, I've been missing the whole point. (This is the 2x4 between the eyes part.) I've had a month long vacation...For my body, for my mind, and for my heart. I think it was a vacation I will have desperately needed. I've been so wrapped up in money problems and all the difficulties that have come as part of the Guatemala package, that I am forgetting one very important detail: This trip, this job, this opportunity...It's going to be rough.
God has specifically chosen me for this job, He is equipping me with money and connections, He is making this silly dream of mine a reality because He loves me. But this is not about me really. This is not another camp adventure I am running off too. This isn't a new state in some part of America that I've never been to. This is a foreign country. And it's real. Dirty. Poor. Full of things that are light years away from my comfort zone. And it's all in Spanish!
This year of my life has the possibility to be the biggest thing that ever happens to me. But like I said, this really isn't about me. It's not, or at least, it shouldn't be, about me learning a new language, or me stretching myself, or me accomplishing all these great things. It's about those people God is going to put in my path. It's about me being Jesus to these people. These teenagers. It doesn't matter if they are originally from Ohio or if they are from the city dump...These people I'm going to be working with and working for are the reason.
I joke that I told God to never make me a missionary. And really, it's not a joke. I really told God to not do it. When I was about 10 year old. I had just learned about Lottie Moon and all the terrible things missionaries have to do and eat, and I just knew I couldn't cut it as a missionary. So sitting in the back seat of my parents '93 Lincoln Towncar, on hot, blue leather seats, I told God to please never ask me to be a missionary.
I'm not quite sure why I thought God would ask me to do that, but I was just going to make sure He knew I didn't want it.
About two months ago, in this crazy whirlwind that was my summer, I got a certificate in the mail. It was in a blue cover and had a seal and 4 signatures and goldleaf lettering on it. It said something to the effect of: Congratulations on becoming a missionary!
Guess I learned my lesson about telling God what He could and couldn't ask me to do.

I'm sorry I've whined so much about this forced vacation. Sometimes God speaks in gentle nudges and whispers...But I think definitely think I understand 2x4's much better.
Me.

I am drift in this sea of emotions. All weekend, I felt detached and removed. I often have to take days or even weeks to really understand why my internal drama queen is all in a snitch. It has only begun to be realized. For the past 3 weeks, or maybe even the last 4 months, I have been in a funk. I haven't totally felt secure and grounded in myself in what feels like forever.
Today, I returned home from a 3 day trip to Kentucky, where I went to get together with all my college friends. They mostly live within an hour or two of each other, so we picked a city and we all met there. I knew I only had a few more weeks until I was leaving for Guatemala, so the 3 day weekend was going to be the best chance to see them all one more time before I left. It was really good to see them all. But, at the same time, it was really depressing for me to be there. They are all dealing with the same things as me, for the most part. The growing pains have hit most of them just as hard as they hit me. They are still adjusting to having jobs and going to bed early. They are dealing with new roommates and having live-in boyfriends and parents who still think they are teenagers. They are still struggling with going for a job that pays the bills or finding a job that will make it a career. They are adjusting to life away from the group. Some are even back in school or headed that way within in months.
But, they are mostly a grounded group of girls. They have made decisions and settled down, at least for now. They have year-long leases on apartments and houses, and relationships that keep them tethered to the earth. And me...I just feel so unsettled. My emotions, my job, my living arrangments...even my address for next month is a mystery.
It's stupid to feel like I am the victim and that I need to be feeling sorry for myself. I am getting this AMAZING opportunity to go and do something I really, really want to do. But I think I have figured out that there is a part of me that mourns my wanderlust. There is a part of me that I like to repress right now, a part that says, "man, I sure wish I was back in school." Or "Wow, other people are getting their masters while you are off wandering around. Don't you feel like a loser or that you are getting behind?" Or "Man, I sure am lonely. I wish I had a friend who'd wander with me."
I feel like I am being immature because I have given in to this desire. But it is absolutely ridiculous to feel these things. I really do believe that God has given me this open window to fly through...there is no way this could have come together without it coming from God's hand. I trust that I am making the right decision and that it will be a life changing year for me. I want to go.
And I want to stay. I want a cute apartment and I want friends from work. I want to be home for Thanksgiving and live close to my adorable nephew. I want my best friend to not freak out because I'm leaving the country, and I want to not be scared she won't still be my best friend when I get back. I want to feel sucessful and accomplished. I want to be independent from my parents and their money.
I want to grow up and not be so damn selfish/stupid/whiney/ungrateful.
This is my life. I make my choices and I get to decide if I want to acknowledge God and follow his will. I am responsible for my decisions. And I am grateful and overwhelmed by God's love and grace.
Amen.
Me.

So...call it irony or call it reality. Either way, this morning, I woke up before 10 and the leaf was gone.
And I'd already seen the episode of Dawson.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me to get over myself.
Who knows?

Me.

Sitting on the couch at my parent's house, I can see a leaf hovering outside the high windows that line the top of the 2-story room. I watched it for a minute in wonder last week before I realized that it isn't a magical leaf with strange hovering powers that other leaves envy; it's just stuck in a spider web.
I've seen that same leaf every morning while I am watching the last half of Dawson's Creek and the entirety of Judging Amy-my new morning ritual. I don't wake up early enough to catch the first hour and a half of Dawson, but it really doesn't matter. My last year of college, one of my roommates and I would watch both hours of reruns in between classes and while we ate our Caf food out of styrofoam containers. I think I've caught up on every episode now. When Dawson's Creek was all the rage, my parents decided to move us out to the country, where we did not get the hormonely-charged programming that is the WB. So, I'm half a decade behind on having a crush on Joshua Jackson...but that's ok. Now that I'm almost 23, it's much more feasible to think that some day we will meet and fall in love. That could have never been reasonable when I was 16. But I digress...
So, this leaf has been stuck in what I assume is an abadoned web for at least a week...maybe longer. I had a stretch last week when I slept past 11 every day and felt guilty, so I skipped Amy and window-watching in order to spend my pre-lunchtime time unloading the dishwasher or vaccumming...or some other easily-noticed chore to prove to my mother that I had NOT slept the entire morning away. Not that she's insinuated that at all. She just gets up at 4:45 every morning and heads off to graduate school, while her recently diploma'd daughter sleeps through it all.
Ahem. The leaf. Yes, the leaf.
So, this leaf has become my post modernist status symbol...with all the dark, emotional ANGST symbolism I thought I was finished with once I got out of college. Surprise, surprise. Massive instrospection and crippling self-esteem issues do not magically disappear when the flash goes off when they take your fuzzy,bad smile, half-closed eyes picture shaking hands with the president of the college who had to practice saying your last name the day before so you wouldn't have to correct him in front of all those parents and family friends who paid a whopping $70,000 so that their son/daughter could go to his college, have this picture, and that piece of paper. At least, my parents didn't have to pay. Thank God for scholarships and high school English teachers who proof read your college application essays over and over again. Did I mention I've managed to "misplace" my diploma? Yeah, I did. Brilliant, I know. Also, the aforementioned English teacher would have an absolute FIT over that last paragraph. Sorry, Mrs. S!
So anyway...the leaf. It's caught by a thread. It can still dangle and dance in the wind and hang high above the ground...but it can only go so far. That sticky tether keeps it suspended from it's natural destiny. It is different from the other leaves...it's not on the tree anymore, but it can't join it's peers lying on the ground either. It's in this indeterminable limbo.
Deep, huh? I know, I'm amazed by me, too.
I know it's stupid to feel such failure at being back home. I know I should be relishing the fact that I can sleep all damn day long if I want to...or if such a thing was actually possible outside of college. I have almost no responsibilities and I have free reign over a stocked kitchen, a high techy satellite dish, and fast internet.
And to top it off...I actually have some place to go. I have a goal. I have a JOB waiting for me. I have an Adventure. And one that is totally deserving of a capitol A.
And yet...I don't like being here. I don't like waiting. I don't like what I feel like sitting in this house, day after day.
I do like good books on the discount rack at Hastings, though. And since I can't really do much about that other stuff, I might as well head back to the book.
Especially since I'm probably going to be up another 4 hours.
I may be back with more thoughts.
For now, good night.

No one.

don't even remember what I was talking about in that last post. It was so long ago. I have gotten out of the habit of writing and my regular blog has all but disappeared. I deleted the old one, so three years of blogging are erased. I waited a long time to do that, but in the end, they were all things I didn't want to read anymore. All those years of pain and heartache over a boy I haven't talked to in almost a year...a boy that manipulated and used me, and who I manipulated and hurt in return. It was hell and I lived through it; I certainly don't want to read about it anymore.
For the past 5 days, I have been in Texas, visiting the most unlikely friend that I have. Our relationship has been one of the most unusual ever in my life, and yet it has been pretty strong the past 3 years. He is a Marine and I haven't seen him since the first day I met him. Like I said, weird friendship. But it worked. We are as opposite as night and day, but we always have fun talking and we genuinely care about what happens to one another.
But talking on IM and over the phone are completely different from spending 5 days non-stop with a person. By day 3, I was ready to go home. It was ridiculous. It was like I was in this alternate universe, where I couldn't talk and my friend turned out to be this person I wasn't expecting. I spent a lot of money to go see this guy, and I basically got ignored the whole time..unless he wanted some. We'd discussed at length the possibility of going the 'friends with benefits' route, and while I was skeptical that I would be able to handle that, I decided it was ok. It wasn't. It's not that I wanted more or that I became more attached or expected it to evolve our friendship...it was that it sucked. I mean, zilch chemistry...nada. Maybe it was because the emotions weren't behind it, maybe it was because he had the imagination of a fruit fly, or maybe it was because we never were safely alone at any point in time, or maybe it was that I realized I was not attracted to this guy whatsoever. Whatever it was, it made me realize that I am just not built that way. Kissing will never be a casual thing with me and I vow to not go there again unless I really like a guy and think there is a possibilty of a relationship waiting in the wings. Again, I get to put an asterick next the list of guys that I've kissed. One day, I'm going to actually kiss a guy and not regret it. This will happen.
The worst part about the whole trip was what I realized on the plane ride home...after it was too late to do anything about it. I got teased a whole lot about being shy, about not talking, about being quiet, etc. by this guy and his friends. I apologized over and over again, and made very concerted efforts at conversation and at banter...but really to no avail. I was stamped from day one and from then on, it was a losing battle. It made me miserable. I thought about it a lot...what I was doing wrong, trying to figure out what had happened to my communication skills, how to impress this random group of guys I was thrust on...but it wasn't until I was away from them that I realized it wasn't really my fault. These guys sucked at conversation. My friend ends up being just as quiet in person as I am, and definitely not good with the social graces. And his friends...well, there was one that I spent the entire time with as well, and while he did pick on me a great deal, I talked to him quite a bit. Especially if it was just the two of us. But the other guys...hardly made any effort at all at conversation. They just found out enough to use as ammunition and that was it. I was pegged and no other efforts were made. Granted, it's not like I was the victim...I just wasn't prepared for it, and my response was hard to handle. One the one hand, I wanted to be a huge smartass and just be as rude and crass as they were...but I knew I couldn't do it. That wouldn't have really been me. I can be that way, but really, it's not me. Plus, I had been dubbed "the child of God" because they found out I was in ministry...so part of it became my testimony and witness. Although, I doubt any of them even cared. But I did. I wanted to just let it all slide and just try to be who I really am. But who I really am and who they really are are two very different things.
I was adament about them just being themselves, not trying to hide anything or try and clean up their act. Part of me wishes I hadn't said that just because it meant I was allowing them to treat me in a way I didn't really want to be treated, but I didn't want to be seen as any more uptight than I already was. It was a losing battle. One that I wanted to bail on. Today, I got him to drop me off at the airport 2 hrs early just so I could get away from it. I couldn't handle any more.
My opinion of my friend did change. It's different to see a person, watch them interact, see how they treat people. And to be bluntly honest, I was disappointed. But that's ok. He's my friend and I now just have a more complete picture of who he really is. He's arrogant and crass, has an ego the size of his home state, he is a lot thicker than I ever remember, an alcoholic...like the rest of his friends, he has a temper that is totally unattractive, and he's not really a initiative person, which always drives me up the wall. But he's still my friend and someone who cares about me a lot. I didn't really know his flaws before and now I do. Doesn't mean I love him any less, just makes him real. I don't regret going to see him, I just regret how things went.
But I'm not going to feel guilty about it any longer. He feels bad, and at first, I told him to not feel bad, to just forget about it. But part of me wants him to realize just how much a dick he truly was. I just had to admit I was pissed and now I can get over it and get some sleep. Life goes on.
Me.

Tonight, I am sad. So very sad. And I didn't even really know it until a minute ago. And the urge to write, when I haven't written anything in months, was overwhelming. I am disappointed, scared, tired, confused, lonely, and hurt. I'm all those things, all at the same time, and it's wearing me out. My future is so uncertain and I hate that. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't know where I am going. I don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore. These things are just pouring out of my heart and I didn't even know they were there. I've been scared all semester. I knew that. But I didn't know it was still hurting. and I feel like I got rejected last night. He was perfectly nice, but he wasn't interested in me at all, and it hurt. It really did. It shouldn't have. I didn't have anything to go off of in my interest in him, nothing except hope. and I don't like hope anymore. that Andrew thing i talked about last time...nothing happened. I laid it all out there, and I got two letters for the whole summer...less than a paragraph each. And he went out with my friend last weekend. My self-esteem isn't at a good place right now. I hate being vulnerable. I hate admitting that a guy got to me. I hate how stupid and vapid it makes me feel, how immature. But I am immature when it comes to relationships. I have no valid experience at how to go about it the right way. I turn 22 in a couple of weeks. I have friends who are getting married now. and I'm stuck in middle school.
I'm here tonight, by myself again. Everyone is gone, and I'm here alone. I like being alone. But I think I am getting tired of it. In more ways than I even understand.

My life has turned upside down and inside out since I last wrote in here. But I'm coming here now cause I am so blown away by what has happened in my life this weekend that I don't know what to do. So I figured I needed to write my way through this and see if I can come up with anything. I've almost given up on writing in my normal blog cause I just lost the anonyminity that I somewhat enjoyed and now everything is just a facade. I no longer want all my friends to read about everything I think.But that's ok. Blogging apparently was just a phase for me. But I have to go somewhere when I need to type, so this one will remain even when the original one dies.

Anyway, what has brought me here today isn't Jon, even though things went shitty again. What brought me here, confused and feelings things I don't know what to do about, is Andrew. Of course, it's a guy....I hate how shallow that makes me feel, but this is so weird. I met him a long time ago cause he is friends with Rob and Jerm. And yes, I know it's ridiculous that I am even talking about one of their friends. I know I shouldn't go there, I know it's asking for trouble. I saw him again the weekend after the ice storm and we all played trivial pursuit. Even back then, I was interested and would have loved to gotten to know him better, but I was too uncertain to even say anything about it to anyone. He left for a couple of months to go work with a theater company, but he came back not too long ago. This weekend was the first time I'd seen him since then. And man, oh man, I could fall hard for this guy if I ever let myself. He's so smart, and he's mature and out of college already, and he knows what he wants to do with his life, he's nice and considerate, he's funny and can laugh at himself, he's a christian, he's adventursome and can be independent. I love the way he treats people...all people, and I seriously have never, ever been interested in a guy like this before. I mean, I seriously want to call home and talk to my mom about this...and that NEVER happens. This isn't just butterflies and flirting, although those things are there, ...this is me seeing, for the first time ever, a relationship that I think could work out for something long term. There is a lot of potential there, for me at least. I don't really know what he is thinking. I know that he told Shane that if he had to choose between all of the girls, he would choose me..but that doesn't mean a whole lot.
The thing is...there are SO many things working against this. There is, of course, the fact that he would be yet another one of the guys in that group that I've liked. That makes me feel very immature and stupid, but it's true. And then, there is the fact that in 10 days, I am packing up to go back to TN and I won't be back in KY until August. Those aren't such ideal conditions to get to know someone under, especially since he is going to Spain for a month. And to top it off, Jenny kind of has a thing for him too. I was surprised by that cause he doesn't seem like her kind of guy, but that may just be my jealousy showing. Jennifer and I talked about it, and she doesn't seem to think they would work very well together...and it's not like she is more my friend than Jenny's, but then again, that doesn't mean anything. I definitely could be reading things in there just cause I don't want to think they would be good together.
I was laying in bed last night praying, and I kept asking God over and over "why? why now?" I fell asleep before I got an answer, but when I was running this morning, I realized that things don't happen on my time, they happen in God's time. I don't know if I think that means I am supposed to pursue this, but I think it means I am supposed to trust God and his timing and not get so frustrated with it. I know nothing major is going to happen between Andrew and I...what I want more than anything is to just talk to him by ourselves....for like 10 hrs. I think I could do it too. We always get started on really interesting stuff, but then we get interrupted by other people or things. He fascinates me, quite frankly. I just want to know about him and what he thinks about stuff. I want this so badly, and yet, I don't even know if I have the time to find any of it out. I swear, I'd not study for any of my finals if it meant I could spend even just one night talking to him.

I think I really just need to talk to him. I just have to figure out how to accomplish that.
Me

With the ice storm taking away our internet, I am back to journaling without the instant gratification of a blogger. This past weekend wasn’t a great one for me for many different reasons, but for none that were of much importance on their own. It was just the accumulation of them all, added with some discontent, confusion, and frustration that boiled down didn’t make me very happy with the end result. I am frustrated with my best friend because she has been acting like my mother as of late and is judging me unfairly. I know she is just concerned and protective of me, but I have always let her do what she felt was ok for her to do and I wish she could extend the same courtesy to me. And since I know she is looking down on what I am doing, it makes me not want to talk to her about it and that’s not normal for our relationship. Our friendship has grown so much over the past three years that there are very few matters we don’t know about one another. It’s weird to be keeping things from her, especially things that normally wouldn’t be a big deal at all, except for her disapproval that hangs over them. I don’t quite know how to handle it either and it’s getting to me.
I got stuck at Rob’s house on Sat PM b/c of the ice storm. It was the first time I’d really hung out with all of them in a long time, and while it was fun for a while, I really wanted to leave when the night was over. But I couldn’t and so I had to make the best of it. Nothing bad happened, but I don’t quite understand Rob and he confuses me. He wants to be my best friend, but at the same time date one of my good friends, with who he decided to have a relationship with and knowingly destroying much of the good among my group of friends. After all it took to get past him doing that to me, I don’t quite get how he thinks we are going to have this kind of relationship. His GF and my friend is acting cool with it because she feels guilty, but I don’t think she really relishes the idea of him and I being best buds. And quite frankly, I don’t want to be his close friend. Not after all that I went through with him and how he disrespected me. And while he is a good guy…there is nothing about him that I terribly miss. He’s immature and interested in completely different things than me. It’s what ultimately ended our relationship and I don’t get what it is that he wants from me. There were times this weekend that he acted jealous and like he missed having me around like I used to be and I couldn’t quite understand why he was doing that. He made his decisions, he can’t have it both ways; not to mention the fact that I am the one who closed the door on the first option because I wasn’t interested. I need to talk to him about all this again, but I know I am going to hurt his feelings and I hate that.
And the object of my roommate’s disapproval is Jon. You have no idea how much I’ve enjoyed having Jon back around. And I don’t know whether or not it was the greatest idea to go see him a couple of weekends ago, but I had fun just being with him. The fact that we made out like it was the end of the world…well, that was extremely hormonal and brought on by a lot of sexual tension and too much time spent talking about it on AIM. I may see him again this weekend if I choose to go home, and I don’t know if anything like that will happen again. Part of me desperately wants it, but the other side says it probably isn’t such a great idea b/c what happens if I, or him for that matter, start to fall for one another again. Neither of us want that right now, and while I do love Jon on many levels, I don’t think I want to be in love with him. It’s so much easier now, though, to see it happening some day…if he is ever capable of straightening out his life and learning to deal with his depression and stop running from God. He makes me laugh so hard and Lord help me, but I have never clicked so well with a guy in my entire life. Even him…back when we were together. So maybe, since we do so well as friends, we are just meant to keep it at that. But goodness, it may be just hormones or sexual frustration from being a 21 yr old virgin with the hopes of staying that way for a while…but damn, it’s hard to not want to touch him and kiss him when he is around. He’s comfortable territory and he turns me on like none other. But, you gotta learn self control somewhere, so maybe he is my testing ground. But is sure is great to have him in my life right now. I just wish everyone else thought that too.

Sometimes...my heart gets broken by life. Although I guess I can't say it is really broken, because it isn't a irreversible thing. There are things in my life right now, though, that really hurt my heart.
A friend from home told me today that he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. They aren't getting back together and she has a short time left to decide what do to about the baby. She will probably have an abortion. That makes me so sad for her. And for him. He will get no say in what happens to his unborn child. They made a mistake, and now it's just so sad. I won't go into details cause it isn't my story to tell and even though no one reads this and knows me, it's something very private and shouldn't be out there for the whole world to see. It's been on my mind all afternoon. What would I do if I were in the same position? This is why I will never be Pro-Life. I mean, I don't think abortion is a good thing at all, but there is no way I could condemn someone for doing something like that when I can't say for certain that I wouldn't do it too if I were in their shoes. I hope I am never faced with this decision, and as I get older, the likelyhood of it ever happening decreases. But still. If I were this girl? I would struggle so much. I would be so ashamed. And that part of me that lives for other people and aches so much for approval from those people I love and look up to..it would die. It would make me desperate. And I can't say that there is no way I'd have an abortion. Watching my friend go through this without any control over it just makes me so sad. It makes me mad how people treat sex. It can complicate things so much when it happens outside of marriage. I don't know if I will make it to my wedding bed as a virgin. But I can say that I don't think I will ever have sex with more than one person. I hope I don't. I don't want to be that open and intimate to more than one person my whole life. I even had a hard time kissing the second guy I dated just because he wasn't the first one.
Speaking of the first one...Jon is back. Mary dumped him in January, and all of a sudden, Jon is back. Doing what I always do..I went to him and I helped him pick up the pieces, I was there to lean on, I was his support...I talked to him all hours of the night. I let him get angry. I was the one who lost sleep worrying about whether he was ok, if he made it in. I got angry at the people who hurt him. I took his pain onto myself. If he was sad, he came first. And I began to lose my heart again. All those months, all that I had worked so hard for..the peace that was just returning after my mistake in September with rushing into dating someone that wasn't right. And I lost it cause Jon needed me again, and I went running for him. The first night I saw him again, I hunted him down. I couldn't get through on the phone, so I went into town, at 10PM after spending all day in airports and planes. I was tired and dirty and longed to just go to bed. But I came home to find a phone message and an email, and it was like bam! Jon needs me, drop everything and go find him. And it was wonderful. We talked for over 6 hrs. As I drove home at 5 AM from bringing him back into town, I cried. We hung out a couple of more times after that. Then we both went back to school. We haven't gone a day without talking for at least 30 minutes....and most of the time it amounts to closer to 3 hrs. But I got really drunk Saturday night and I talked to him. And I told him more than I ever should have. And since then, I've been depressed. I told him that I still loved him. I knew that from the moment he hugged me standing in his driveway at 10:30 at night. But I wasn't ever going to tell him. I was just going to be his friend. I was going to laugh with him, and harmlessly keep up our flirting/sexual tension thing we had going on. I was going to be the one girl he could talk to and not worry about. But I messed it up. I say it was an accident, but it wasn't. I wasn't that drunk. I knew what I was doing, and I still did it. I hated keeping secrets from him and I thought he deserved knowing. I wanted him to have compassion on me and take mercy. Deep down, I wanted him to say that I was still someone he wanted..someone that was worthy and beautiful and special. I wanted him to love me like he used to. But he is still very much in love with her. And he doesn't love me. That night, he told me that I could have him, that I just had to wait for him to be whole again. But really, I don't want him. Yes, I love him and if he were anywhere near me right now, I would make out with him like there is no tomorrow, but in the long run...I don't think I want him. He is a good guy and he is such a wonderful person in my life. He is different now, and what I see in him intrigues me and makes me want to be his friend. There are still things in him though, that just don't appeal to me. He's been out in the world now...he lost some of his wonder. And his depression is more than I can take sometimes. I don't like his new views about sex and how physical he always is. I hate to say it, but some of what has always attracted me to Jon was how he felt about me...and that has changed.
I go to Jon because of what he once felt for me. He is the only guy I've ever met who made me feel beautiful..physically and as a person. I always thought that if someone could love me like that, then I must be something that deserved it. That there was something in me that no one else will ever see besides Jon. I've realized though, that believing that, I wasn't trusting God. I wasn't having faith that He had better plans for me and a man who will love me for everything I am and everything I will ever be.
We talked later on..when I was sober..and I tried to relate to him all this, and how I hated that I told him what I did. And we tried to set some rules, some boundaries for our friendship. He said somethings that made me mad. Like he was talking about something and he said something along the lines of how he had to deal with Mary still, and all those other girls up at UT who had decided he was worth something. It was humiliating to me. I got grouped with these other girls. I have never just been a girl in Jon's life. I was always distinct and special. But now...now I'm just a pain. I'm just one more girl who fell in love with him. It makes me so mad. He had a poem up earlier about Mary and he was talking about how he loved her. One of his reasons was because of how she came and lifted him up and gave him air to breath, how she saved him from his despair. And ladies and gentlemen...I am responsible for the despair. Not all my doing, but I was quite the contributor. So it's just sorta ironic that he loves her so much cause she rescued him from me, and yet when she dumps him, I'm the one he comes looking for. I get to be the best friend. And now he is responsible for my despair. Something tells me that maybe we just both need to get rid of one another.
He knew I was upset yesterday, and he tried to make me a promise. I told him I didn't believe in promises anymore. But he told me anyway. He said if we are both 35 and still single, he would come to me and ask me to marry him. I know he had good intentions. I know he was just trying to make me feel better. But damn it. I am not going to be someone's safeguard. I am not going to be second best. If I ever marry, it is going to be because I love that other person so much that I can't take my next breath without knowing they are going to be there when I do. I deserve better than to be someone to settle for if real life doesn't work out. He said he would give me everything he had and love me every way he knew how. But that isn't good enough for me. If he doesn't know how to love me enough to want to marry me before he reaches a certain age, he's damn well not going to know how to do it just cause he has a birthday. I think I got him a little mad with my ungrateful response, but I don't care. I had been in church that morning, watching two babies get baptized, I heard my pastor speak about the death of his father, and then heard an amazing sermon based on 1st Cor. 12:31 and chapter 13. I want a family to love, I want a husband who will be worthy of his kid's adoration, and I want kids to love and raise. I want it all. Unfortunately, the maternal instinct raised by my sisters' pregnancies hasn't gone away and I'm getting a little prematurely impatient for all this. But I know I don't need it now. But I don't want to give up the hope that it will all happen some day. I trust. I have faith. If God intends for me to be married and to have a family, he will lead me to the right guy too.
So I decided today that I am going to get over Jon. No more hope. I have to extinguish that little flame I've kept alive for the past year. It's time to go. I need to move on, and I want the rest of my heart back.

Whoa oh! Been a tulmultous month since I last posted in this little secret place. Quick updates so that it that things will make sense...doesn't matter really though, cause I am the only one who will ever read this, but I might forgot one day what happened.
-I emailed Jon after 10 months of not talking to him. He emailed back. I emailed a second time re-explaining everything I had said. He got mad. I got frustrated. We yelled at each other over the computer. We decided to not decide anything, made no plans or schedules on how to peacefully coexist in one another's lives, and it actually worked. We had a real conversation last weekend. It was absolutely fucking amazing. It made me cry. He didn't say anything sad, or anything like that. Just the whole scenario was more than my emotionally-overloaded heart could take, and having a good conversation with Jon just made it run over. Still no decision on the face to face confrontation. Don't know how long that one is going to take. He refuses to look at a picture of me, so something tells me he isn't going to be up for a get together over the holidays. But I probably shouldn't see him anyway...not sure I'm that strong yet. It still blows my mind how I think about him sometimes.
But I did come to realize something since this whole thing came about (so much for a "quick" update)...Jon is the way he is and the way he was...because that is how Jon is. I didn't really have anything to do with it. He is moody. He is extreme about everything. He gets depressed and talks about suicide at the drop of a hat. He will always see himself as the odd man out. He is completely in love with this girl and they still fight and he still gets upset about every little thing. That is just the way Jon is. I mean..that's not all Jon is. He is hilarious, goofy, extremely intelligent, and loyal to a fault. And talented. He has a way with words that few I've known have. I told him about all the drama that has been going on with my (formerly) close group of friends and he wrote this poem for me. When he first said he would write it, I gave him some sarcastic bitter prompt to work with, but instead of the funny, mean poem I was expecting, what he wrote stunned me. After getting a brief sketch of the situation and listening to me bitch a little, he wrote this:
I dont know how to fix
all the things that have gone wrong
and i've read into my books
and i've listened to my songs.
I've thought through the walls
and hoped that you would hear
and that all the little problems
would suddenly dissappear.
There's not much that i can do
I find myself waiting.
The door never opens
to end the anticipating.
And i wish that there were laughs
and i wish that there were hugs
and miss not having tension
and i miss the little slugs.
And i wont begin to argue
and i wont begin to cry.
And there are many question
to which i'd like the reasons why.
I want the ending happy
and i want to learn to fly.
But for now i want my sisters back
and im willing to start to try.

Yeah. Nailed it.

Anyway, I guess after posting something like that, I need to explain what has happened with my friends. Jerm and Sarah are still together...I'm still good with that. Jennifer has continued to spend just as much time over at the house as Sarah, just claiming to be friends and having fun. Right. Last weekend she tells me that she and Rob want to start dating and she wanted to tell me first before they did it. Not exactly a shock to me. That explains why Jennifer has avoided me like the plague in the past couple of weeks and why she looks scared of me half the time. But even as disappointed as I am in both of them for choosing to do this, I'm not mad. They can do whatever they want to do, and who am I to say they can't date. But I'm not going to sit around and watch them. Not such a problem since Rob isn't even on campus. But it does mean I am putting a wall up between me and Jennifer. I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't not do it right now. I do not want to sit around watch two people I don't trust anymore act all lovey and what-not in front of me. Rob really disappointed me in a lot of ways, but because I can honestly say I don't have any feelings for him, it doesn't hurt so much. Jennifer, on the other hand, has been a friend for a long time and I sincerely do not trust her anymore. And honestly, I am struggling with whether or not I even like her as a person. I feel that she lies a lot and that really bothers me. And lies about such stupid things. She comes off as this very innocent, very sweet girl...but I have my doubts. At first I just thought it was because I didn't want her to date Rob...and I still don't, but that is not my decision..and they are way past that point anyway. That was set in motion months ago and I didn't stop it then, nor would I have wanted to. But if you think about it, and I'm sure they have, I did the same thing to Jeremy, in some ways, cause I went out on a couple of dates with Jerm back in May, and then came back in August and walked into a relationship with his best friend. Granted...there was a 3 month delay, and Jerm had gotten back together with his ex during that time, but I can't say it isn't a similar situation. I really just think I have seen another side to Jennifer that I didn't know existed until she broke up with her BF of 2.5 years and started being around campus more.
So to top off the lovely situation, Sarah and Alison are at odds over a drunken conversation about Sarah's beliefs. These two are not good to be having a fight, cause one refuses to talk about it and is just bitchy, while the other is too scared to confront and likes to just hide from things and acts like the victim. I've tried to talk to Ali about it, but she has just waited so long that it is gonna be bad when they do decide to deal with this.
AND I HATE ALL OF THIS. I took on a lot of blame for all this and I thought it was all my fault that my group was falling apart, but beyond the issues I have with Jennifer, I can't really do much to fix the rest of this stuff. I've tried talking to most of them, but while everyone is willing to talk about things behind closed doors, no one wants to have it out in the open. Jenny refuses to talk to Sarah about how she is feeling as well. And I am sick of it. I do not want to leave this semester with things like this because in a few months, we will be signing up for housing..and I don't want to live with this group of people if things are going to be this bad.
gotta go.

Yeah. So I'm melodramatic as of late. Get over it.

Last night was the guys' Halloween party. For the most part, it was great fun. It was weird seeing Sarah and Jerm together, but not a bad thing. Just gonna take some adjustment, but I'm totally cool with it and I'm totally going to stay out of it. Pardon the statements made while intoxicated Friday night...but they both knew I was drunk, and having drunk friends around who are talkative drunks is just asking to be embaressed. But I digress...
I talked to Rob last night before I left for about 45 minutes. Since I last wrote in here, we had had another discussion making everything clear about me not wanting to be in a relationship with him. So last night was the first time I'd really gotten to hang out with him in a while. Rob is an affectionate person with everyone, and I know this..have always known it. But I didn't know I was going to want to sucker punch every girl he touched that I didn't know. Doesn't really bother me when he hugs on my friends, at least not much...cause I know they would never go there. So all night, I didn't do such a good job at covering up my jealousy and bitterness. So when I went to talk to him before he went to bed, he asked me what was on my mind. At first, I refused to say anything, but I didn't want him to think I wasn't being upfront and that I didn't trust him. I told him it wasn't going to be fair to him, but he insisted. So I told him I hated seeing him with other people. He didn't get mad, and he never got that look on his face that I was dreading. So after talking some more about it, I just looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he still felt the same...and he couldn't answer. That was all the answer I needed. He is totally over it, and it makes me feel better about the decision I made. I think by meeting my friends and becoming friends with them, has shown him that there are a lot of girls out there who are like me, and he even said that that was part of why it hurt so bad when I stopped things the first time. He thought he'd never get to be with someone like me again. And my theory is that he took that emotion and made himself miserable about it..and what he thought had to be love really wasn't. It was feeling so strong about wanting to be with someone like me...but I don't think he ever loved me. Just the idea of me. Anyway, that's just a theory.
He never got upset last night which made me feel so much better about telling him what I did. I was afraid I was going to confuse him again. It was weird cause this time I was the one who wasn't ok, but he was. Tables kinda turned on me there, but that's ok. Knowing that he is ok and happy right now makes my twinges of indecision go away. He doesn't quite understand why it's such a big deal to me when I say that I miss being affectionate around him. He can be like he was with me last night to anyone. But I can't. I can't even hug my guy friends without feeling weird. I'm not good with telling people how I feel, so being able to be affectionate with a guy is my way of telling them how I feel. I don't know if I still feel much of anything beyond friendship with Rob, but I am comfortable with being affectionate with him, so those two things some times gets confused in my head.

Last night after having that talk with him, I drove Shane home and then came back to school. I posted on my other blogger. And I laid in bed thinking about it for a long time. Earlier this weekend, I drank for the first time in 7 months. I hadn't planned on doing it, so I didn't think it through as much as I usually do, which means now I regret doing it. I talk a lot when I am intoxicated, and we went over to Jerm's house before we came back to the dorm. Jennifer passed out, so I was left vulnerable to Sarah (who was sober) and Jerm getting to pick my brain while they knew I'd say anything. And before I knew it...it came back to me talking about Jon. Actually, Sarah had brought it up on the trip back to Gtown. I don't remember why, but she said that I still had issues with him that I needed to work out before I was going to be ok. And she was right. So that's been on my brain all weekend. Unfortunately, while I was drunk, my subconscious didn't let it slip what exactly it is about my past with Jon that still upsets me so, and it certainly doesn't like to reveal itself when I am sober. So I don't know how I'm ever going to figure it out.
This morning when I woke up, I was still upset about things. Not so much about the stuff with Rob, cause I will figure out how to be ok around him eventually. But the Jon stuff won't go away. It was All Saint's Day today in church, which is when we honor those who have died in the past year. And we were reading all this liturgy about dying and heaven and mourning. And there was a passage that said:
Months or years may have passed, and still we feel near to them. Our hearts yearn for them. Though the bitter grief has softened, a duller pain abides; for the palce where once they stood is empty now. The links of life are broken, but the links of love and longing can not break. Their souls are bound up in ours forever.
I have never lost a loved one to death. But some of the feelings in that passage struck a chord with me while I sat in church and read them. I must have teared up 5 or 6 times in church for various reasons, and cried all the way home. I never cry...and almost crying in publis?! me? Never.
I couldn't come straight back cause I had to make my eyes not so red. So I went to the boat dock and sat outside until I was shivering cause I didn't have a coat. As I sat on the steps looking at the waterfall, I made a promise to myself and to God that I would deal with this now. I wasn't going to just pretend it was going to go away. As much as I don't want to, and as much as I am scared what will happen, I am going to try and contact Jon again. It'll be my birthday present to myself. A chance at some emotional peace and freedom is a damn good present. I am scared as hell to actually do it though. But I made a promise, and I'm going to keep it.
Lord, give me the strength...

Could someone just please explain what in the world has happened here? When did my world get swapped out for some alternate universe where the most secure relationships I've ever seen fall apart...where friendships that were rock solid suddenly feel like they are falling apart.....where there are tensions and weirdness among my my closest friend. WHY WON'T ANYONE JUST COME OUT AND SAY WHAT THEY MEAN ANYMORE?! I am so fucking tired of it. I am not ok with whatever the hell you want to call this. Maybe I am just too stuck in my ways, maybe I have just gotten used to what my life has been like for the past 2 and a half years so I'm not handling the change very well. I don't know if there is any real meaning behind all this, or if it's just all a misunderstanding and I am just blowing things way out of proportion. Knowing my pension for being in control, it's entirely feasible that I am the one creating all the drama. But even if I am the one who is reacting so loudly to it all, I am not the only one affected. There is more going on here than people just wanting to have fun. No matter how you put it. Even if it's just on my side. Someone please just explain to me what is happening. I can't figure it out and I don't like it. In fact, I hate it. I am tired of feeling like a whiney little kid. Things don't usually bother me this much, and this will not let me go, so I know that has to mean something besides me being overly-emotional and over reacting.

Saturday night I stood in the middle of Roxie Lane, and by the cab light of my truck and the dim street lamp across the street, I saw Rob's sad face tell me that he loved me. I then stood in the middle of the street wrapped up in a tight hug for about 3 minutes, while my mind was reeling that this boy who has really only known me for a month just told me he loved me. And then it felt like a mental sucker punch when I realized that this was the second time in my life I had to listen to a declaration of love and I couldn't reciprocate. I just had to stand there. Holding him as tight as I could, as if my hug could make up for the fact that I don't feel the same way he does.
Life isn't fair.

Yup. Pam confirmed it. Jon and Mary are still together. Happy one year anniversary.

*points to self*
QUIT BEING SO BITTER!

I do want him to be happy and if he is happy without me, then I will leave it at that. I'll accept it. He'll always have a part of me, but the rest of me has to move on with life. He will always exist to me, can't pretend like I can get rid of him. But I'm not going to mope about it. Dry my tears and work on healing my heart.

Life goes on.

*a later addition to this post*
Life does go on. And my funk has lifted. Everything went back into being in perspective when I realized this one thing: I was in love with the way Jon loved me. I miss that. I miss someone loving me that much. I don't know if I ever really knew the real Jon. At some point, I think I did. College changed things. If we were to randomly meet now, I don't know if we'd be friends at all. We may hit it off great as friends, but I am not sure about that at all. What I struggle with so much when I get like this about Jon is the fact that I have regrets and I am ashamed of the mistakes I made. I wish I could makes things ok, and since I can't, I spend all this time mentally punishing myself. One day, I will learn to stop having false guilt. Hopefully soon.

Man, I haven't been this Jon-thought-obsessed in a long time. I thought I was past this happening to me anymore.

Today was hard. It was a year ago today that it all happened. That I last saw Jon when he was free to love me. Before I realized I was in love with him. Before everything went to nothingness. Today was really hard. This stuff just hit me like a ton of bricks this weekend and I can't shake it. I have way too much to accomplish in the next three days to have this weighing on me like it is.

He told me way back in April that he was trying very hard to make it so that I didn't exist to him. I wonder if he accomplished that goal.
I hope he didn't.

I think about him from time to time, sometimes more than others. Like this weekend. I wonder what he is doing. Where he is. If he is happy. How school is going. If he still loves math and playing frisbee. I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Or if I really don't exist to him anymore. I wonder if I will ever find him again. If I will ever get to have that conversation I keep dreaming about.

I wonder if it even occurred to him what today was.
Part of me thinks that there is no way he couldn't have realized it. The other part screams at me, "It wouldn't mean anything to him anymore!! He doesn't think about you!!" Surely he does though. How could I not exist to him?

I want to talk to him so badly. I don't think I could ever say the right thing to make him come back though. Could we ever really be friends again?
I want it so badly right now. I want him so badly.

whoa. Do I really mean that? Am I sincerely just wanting friendship with Jon? Or am I expecting more than that? Damn. I can't do this. I just can't. I can't go and try and mend things and tell him I want a friendship, all the while looking for more. It would screw everything up. I don't even think he is single. I have to be ok with just wanting friendship before I can talk to him. I have to. Or else it'll all just go to hell again.

Lord, I am so messed up. How did it come to this? I just don't get it.

Yeah...I know. I shouldn't be doing this to myself. But I sincerely thought I had deleted all this stuff off my computer. But I was wrong. A lot of it was still there. This one...damn, this one kills me.

"do you understand why i had to touch your face when we were in the car that night? When your face lit up in that blue sea? You didn't notice(you probably would have thought me a spaz if i did) but i kept moving my hand towards you and back. I had to touch your cheek, i had to see if something so simple gave you so much....it helped me to see that you are telling me the truth. But i did it for more than that. I touched your face because i didn't want to ever forget how soft you are, and how much i want just that-you. It was a trade though...you didn't see it, couldn't feel it, but we traded. I got a feeling that i wont ever forget-long after you've forgotten me, and you got something else...i gave you my soul. I gave it to you so that my deepest everything, everything that once felt, and still feels everything for you will be with you. Be with you to keep you safe, to comfort you...so that you'll always have something more from me. That i'll always be there when you close your eyes."

I can't believe I am in this place again. Yesterday afternoon, I sat on Rob's bed, saw the scared, dreading look in his eyes, opened my mouth...and before I could even say anything, he said, "Oh God, it's over, isn't it?" And all I could do was nod my head and look at my hands. I then had to go on and explain why to him. In some ways I wasn't completely honest with him, but I couldn't tell him the real reasons why I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I couldn't look at his poor face and tell him, "I'm sorry Rob. I don't want to be in this relationship because I think you are too immature, we have nothing to talk about, you are too needy, and I hate the fact that you always talk about sex." Instead it was more along the lines of "Rob, I am so sorry, but this just isn't working for me. My heart just isn't in this and it isn't fair to you. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I have to be honest with you."
I wasn't lying to him. All that was the truth, but it just wasn't very specific. I feel rotten about it. But I do feel relieved. I realized earlier this week what I had been doing. I'd been playing the part of the devoted, happy girlfriend. On the inside though, as soon as I would leave his house, I'd be thinking about how bad it was going to be when I did call things off and what in the world was I doing. But when he was having a bad day, I'd rush over there and see him and make him happy again. I'd go over there all the time, even when I had homework to do, or I needed to practice, or go to the gym. I would let him get away with doing things like being selfish when we'd make out. He'd kiss on me for a while, and then be like.."It's my turn. You come love on me." I hated that. It was so needy. It was like he was keeping score and if he kissed on me for 10 minutes, then I had to do the same to him for exactly the same amount of time. Plus, his idea of me loving on him involved me not having a shirt on. I am so glad things didn't go very far. I do regret that I did encourage him to take things further than just kissing, but I guess I am just as hormone driven as another 20 year old. But with him, it was like as soon as I gave the ok for him to take my shirt off, he was ready to go down my pants. And I was so not ready for that. I hated that he wasn't a virgin and it made me really uncomfortable when we did make out cause I didn't know what he expected from me.
Those things I could have lived with though. It was the fact that when we would talk on the phone, we didn't have anything to talk about. It would just be stupid, meaningless conversation...if it wasn't just me sitting there listening to him and Jeremy talk. When I would go over to see him, barring two times, all we did was sit on his couch and watch tv, or end up in his room. I know barely anything about Rob. And it wasn't for lack of trying. I tried so hard to get him to talk to me, to tell me what he was thinking, or what was going on in his life. But it always ended up going towards some stupid story. Usually involving some kind of humor that I didn't quite like.
But enough Rob bashing. He sincerely is a good guy. He's just not a guy I want to be in a serious relationship with. I hate that in order to figure that out, I had to date him for a month. A month in which he fell pretty hard for me, therefore making it horrible when I did stop things.

What is wrong with me? Do I expect too much from a guy? Is it too much to expect a guy to still be relatively sexually-inexperienced? Or should I just accept the fact that no matter who I date, they will already have had sex before? I realize that I am one of a dying breed. I am 20 years old and I am a virgin. And I mean a virgin. I've never had any kind of sex, no guy has ever been down my pants and I've never touched a guy. I realize that isn't the norm now a days, and I am willing to accept that the guy I do end up being a relationship with will probably have done more than me. But are there guys out there who are virgins? I don't know anymore.

It's just..I just want to be so excited about a guy that I can't stop thinking about him, that I tell everybody about him, that I can't wait to see him every day, that I love to talk to, someone who thinks like I do and understands me. And I know it can happen...because I've seen it happen. I know you can be that absorbed by someone because someone was once that absorbed with me. and because I've felt what it was like...only by then, it was too late. I'd messed up too much.

The most amazing thing about all this is how it's caused me to relapse. I have thought about Jon non-stop since about 7:00 last night when I realized something. A year ago today, Jon was in Georgetown. Actually..it is a year ago tomorrow, but it was on a Saturday that he came. And next week will be Jon and Mary's one year anniversary...if they are still together, which I don't know for certain, but I assume they are. I can't believe it's been a year since that weekend. That was the last time I kissed Jon. It was the weekend that changed everything.
I had another dream about him last night. I was at my house, but it was the one in Sharondale, and I was on the phone with him. He was headed back to Knoxville but for some reason, we were talking. It wasn't a good conversation and things were still very strained between us. Then his phone started cutting up and we got disconnected. I was really sad because we still weren't back on good terms and I had no way of getting in touch with him again. Time passed and I went about doing whatever it was that I was doing...packing to go back to school I think. Then for some reason, I looked out the window and saw Jon walking up the path. He came into the house and started up the stairs. I went out into the hallway and just looked at him. He said he came back because he didn't want me to think he was mad at me and wanted to apologize for his phone going out. He just stood there and looked at me with that same sad expression in his eyes like he did the last time I saw him. Then he said he had to get back to school because he was going to be late for a study session and said something about Mary. So I walked him back out to his car, but there was some kind of parade on my street so he couldn't get out. (Main st was blocked in Gtown last night b/c of a parade, so that explains that one) I was all happy cause it meant that he couldn't leave just yet. Then it got weird. He some how got hit with a football on the back of his heel and he fell down and couldn't walk. So these people took him back inside my house and my dad helped him out. He stayed there until the next day, and then I guess he left. I don't remember what happened. I do remember that again I had the conversation where I told him all about my summer and the wrestling and the frisbee and all that stuff. In most of the dream he was that sullen, unhappy person but again when I told him all that stuff, he smiled and laughed with me. I guess there is a huge part of my sub-conscious that wants Jon to be proud of me for doing what I did this summer and for him to know all about it.

My imagination has gotten away from me today. Instead of being all concerned about Rob, I thought about how much I wanted to talk to Jon today. And you have no idea how many times I thought about calling him or writing him. And I think I would be seriously tempted if it weren't the fact that his potential 1 yr anniversary with Mary is coming up. I want that to be a happy time for him and I don't want to ruin that for them by butting back into his life, especially without knowing how he feels about me.

I have been happy and I have been at peace. But am I at peace anymore? I don't know. The past couple of days have kinda rocked me. I wish they hadn't. I wish I would have never gotten involved with Rob because then all this wouldn't have been brought up again. Although I think I would have realized what this weekend meant, regardless of Rob. I don't regret dating Rob. He was a good guy and it showed me that I wasn't scared of being in a relationship again. It does scare me that I will never be in a relationship where I am as excited about the other person as they are about me. I trust God though, and I believe that I will have that one day.

I don't think this is going to be as bad as it has been in the past. It used to get easier to get over it every time it happened. But it's like it stopped and it's stalled now. It doesn't get any easier now. I hate it. I don't know how to stop it from happening. I remember the day this past summer that I told Dawn about it. It was the week that I had had that dream that I wrote about before. I told her about it, hoping she'd have some kind of wisdom to give me. But she just shook her head, gave me a hug, and told me she'd pray for me. And again, when she prayed for me at the airport, she mentioned Jon and asked that I would have wisdom to know what to do about it. I still don't know what to do though. Do I wait for him to contact me? Do I call him? Do I write? Do I ask someone else about him? Or do I just let it go.

I have no idea.

God give me the strength and the wisdom I need.

It is September 18th as I write this. 8 months. How messed up is that?
*
"I had this friend once named Jon. And I haven't said a civil word to him in eight freaking months..."
*
I wish I could say it didn't bother me. I wish I could say it didn't still hurt. But it does. I have the most wacked out dreams about Jon all the time. One time this summer, I had one...it seemed so real. It completely messed me up for the longest time too. It was hard trying to explain to everyone why I was so down. Even now, that dream still gets to me. The thing about it is that it wasn't some long involved dream. All it was was somehow Jon and I had found each other again, and we had a conversation. I got to tell him about all the amazing things I had done that summer, and all the things I know he would have been so proud of me for doing...like the wrestling, and the frisbee, and the dying my hair just because, and jumping off picnic tables onto inner tubes..just to see if it was fun. He would have loved to see me like that. And in my dream, he was so excited for me. We were friends. There was no tension, no anger, no resentment. Just pure friendship. It was the most amazing feeling. And then I woke up. Back to reality where I had no clue where Jon was, how he was doing, if he was happy enough, if life was good for him.
*
If he still hates me.
*
I just wish I knew that. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I want to know if he thinks about me as much as I still think about him. I don't know how I mean that. I seriously doubt he and I would ever be able to be in a normal relationship, but as a friend...I miss him. I still don't know after all this time if we could ever pull off the friends thing. So many emotions and memories behind us. But I would at least like to feel like we are at peace with one another.
*
It just freaking hurts too much still. 8 months is a long time....why isn't it long enough?

So maybe I'm just lonely.

Been over 3 months now. He talked to me the other day cause he caught me checking his away message on AIM. Told me that I didn't exist to him anymore, and that he was trying everything he could to get away from me, so he doesn't want me checking his name. It's not like I check it everyday, but sometimes when I am having a moment of weakness and I just want to see how he's doing, I get on a name he doesn't know about and check. But he knows about it now. Oh well. Guess it's for the best. But just because I am the one who made the decision to not be his friend doesn't mean I don't miss him and that I don't still think about him and wonder how he is doing. I had spent time thinking about what would happen the next time I did see him...how I would act and what I would say, etc. but it looks like he wouldn't even acknowledge me if we did bump into each other. I hate that it ended the way it did, but I hate more that he still doesn't understand why I did what I did. He will always see it as an attack on him. That I did it because I hated him. heh. If only he knew the truth. If only he would believe the truth. I don't think I am in love with him anymore, and I don't think we'd have the faith in each other to ever have a good relationship if it ever got to a point where that was a possibility. But it still stings. I still read things he once wrote and want to cry for all the missed opportunities, for all the misunderstandings, for all the pain I caused. I regret so much. I wish I could be one of those persons who when they were dying could say they were happy cause they had no regrets about their lives. And maybe once I get to that point in my life, I won't regret what happened. But for now, it is still too big a part of my life to not regret screwing it up.
His words...sometimes I find things he wrote, and I still get that melting sensation...until I realize..that yep, that was dated from a year ago. But the love behind them still amazes me.

"...Her eyes are so magnificent. I love them. She has those puppy dog eyes that make you want to grab her and hug her for all their purity and innocence. I want so badly to play that song [peter gabriel's In Your Eyes] on a beach or body of water's edge somewhere. Just play that song(and others i have) and just hold her and look at her under stars whose reflections will shine in those forever eyes..."

Anyway. This blogger has turned into a Jon journal. I still think about him too much. It shook me up a whole lot when he talked to me the other day. I was so stunned, I kept apologizing over and over. Nevermind the fact that he is guilty of checking my away message on more than one occasion. All I could think about was trying to make him not mad at me. I still dread him being mad at me. I hate this.

It's been 9 days, 8 hours, 40 minutes, 10 seconds since you called
I've been so crazy I've just about taken our picture off the wall
It's been 3 months, over a hundred days since you held my hand
And I miss you in a thousand ways
Will I ever see you again

How did it change so fast (I won't give you to the past)
I really thought it'd last

All that we had was so unbelievable
Now that it's gone it's just inconceivable
Still in my dreams you are so beautiful
How could it be that you ruined my everything, everything, everything

It seems like everywhere everyone's in love
So where are you
And I remember you couldn't get enough
You felt it too
Oh..didn't you

It's been 9 days, 8 hours, 40 minutes, 10 seconds
3 months and a hundred days
And I miss you in a thousand ways
Will I ever see you again?

thats all until the 18th rolls around for yet another month.

Jon has had the opening lyric to this song on his away message a couple times this past month, and I just found the rest of the song. Makes me want to cry.

Walk Away
by Ben Harper
Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend

And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one

But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will
Make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is droppin' on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

So it's been a month. One whole month and I haven't talked to Jon. At first, I was cool, now I think about it too much. But it's still getting better. Yesterday, I was in Knoxville on my way back from Atlanta. Ali, Sarah, and I were on our way home and stopped and ate lunch with Sam. I ended up missing my exit, so I had to make a loop and I ended up coming through Knoxville the same way I used to. I drove the exact same path that I had a year ago, except I drove right past Hess Hall and kept going. It was a weird feeling.
But despite the fact that I realized the significance of what this weekend was, I didn't think about it all weekend while we were in Atlanta. I really did have a good time. But unlike Sarah and Ali, I'm not jumping to go back. I think I have finally convinced Nixon that I am not worth the status he gave me, and I think he is finally getting over me. And it just kinda leaves us not knowing how to interact. I have always been super cautious around him so that I didn't do something that led him on or made things worse for him. But that meant that I didn't really let him into my life very much and we don't exactly know how to act around one another. He just kinda sits there. I think he is overshadowed by his friends and his insecurities make him not so much fun to be around. And that makes me feel awful to say that, cause he is supposed to be one of my good friends, but he's not really. We are stuck on this high school level relationship and it's not really going anywhere. So I'm not in a huge rush to go back down there to hang out with him.
And while things were ok with Jake and we got along ok, it's like every time I look at him, it's like there is this sign over his head that says rejection. I know that's not really what happened and I honestly am past my little crush on him. But I don't know how to act around him either. And I ALWAYs say the most incredibly stupid stuff in front of him. So I feel like this little insecure girl around him. It didn't help that he and Sarah were kinda on the same wave length and I ended up looking like a retard the whole time. It didn't bother me that they were kinda flirty. Well, it kind of bothered me, but it's not like it made me mad or upset me. It more upset me because I was kinda left out. When things got paired off, it was always Sarah and Jake, and me and Nixon, and like I said...Nixon and I didn't exactly click this weekend. And last night I got stuck in the middle of Jake wanting to know what Sarah thought about him and all that stuff again. And I HATE that. It makes me feel horrible when these great guys come to me just so that they can get the inside info about my friends that they like. It usually is just with Ali, this was the first time with Sarah. And she's heard me talk about how bad it makes me feel when guys did it to me about Ali, and she knew how much it bothered me. But I don't want her to feel bad. I know nothing is really going to happen with them cause of the stuff that is going on with Chris, plus I just know how Jake is. And I just don't want her to get hurt. He tends to get a little too involved in other people's problems, but he also is just a good guy and it's easy to like him. Especially when he gives you attention and no one else has in a long time. And with everything that has happened with Sarah and her boyfriend in the past month, she was starving for some attention.
I miss getting attention. I know that is so shallow, but it's how I feel.
blah. I'm so tired of being alone. I want to move on so badly and every day that goes by that I don't, the harder it is to let go of Jon. Depression is something that is so hard to pull yourself out of, but it's so easy to fall right back in. And I don't want to go back in.

it's so sad when you give up on a friend ever being a friend. about it being final. and about making it final by not talking to them.

thank goodness. I didn't think i was ever going to get this to open up.
I've missed blogging. I stopped blogging on my main blog cause I didn't want everyone to know just how screwed up I was and I couldn't edit out all the depression from my blogs anymore. so I took a hiatus. I'll go back to it eventually. but I'm not much better. some days, yes. some days I am ok and I feel lighter. Other days, not so much. Right now...not so much. Oh my gosh, I've never been like this before. never. I remember watching Jon go through all this about a year ago. I didn't know. I just didn't know what he was feeling. I didn't know that it was possible to feel this horrible all of the time....that it never goes away. that it's always in the pit of your stomach or the back of your throat or that you could physically ache from not crying. and that when you do cry, it just hurts that much more. cause nothing ever makes it feel better. nothing. it's always there.
before, it would go away. I could go out and have fun, or sit through a movie and not reference everything back to him. I wasn't in love with him before. the other day, I was out walking/running along the back ridge of our property..it was Christmas day come to think of it. anyway, I was out there with Cody, and I was having a good day. I'd seen Jon the night before and things had been ok. I got him to come to the Christmas Eve service with me and my family. I'd convinced myself of this whole fairy tale night, where I show up at his front door and cold, all dressed up, that he would instantly tell me I was beautiful and hug me, and tell me that things were going to be ok. Then he'd come to church with me and feel accepted by my family and not be so uncomfortable in church and that I could share the candlelight service with him and he'd understand why I love it so much, and I could look at his beautiful face in the candlelight and when I took him home at midnight, he'd hug me and kiss my forehead, and I could go home and live off that for at least the next month or so. But that was just my little fantasy. He came, he didn't hate the service and it was great to sit next to him and talk to him throughout the service and joke around. but in the end, the hug was awkward. the worst part of the whole night was right after the service, I made him come say hey to Mrs Sawyer with me. We only talked to her for a second cause she was surrounded, but as I was trying to get away so that others could see her, I reached back and grabbed his hand without even thinking about it. Mrs Sawyer saw me do it and gave me the whole raised eyebrows thing and motioned with her hand asking if we were together. and I had to shake my head no and pull my hand back. oh gosh that stung. I didn't even know I had done it until she pointed it out. I don't know if Jon knew I had even done it. I said something about it in the car, but he didn't say anything.
anyway, my point was that day while I was out running, I came to terms with the fact that I need to let go of my stupid little fantasies and get a grip on the reality of my life and my relationship with Jon. That I needed to pick myself up if I didn't want to lose one of the best friends I had. I'm tired of all the mumbling and stumbling I do when I talk to him, that I always, always hold everything in and never just let myself come out and say what I am thinking. Maybe if I just go ahead and say it all, then I can stop thinking about them so much and they'll go away. And in their place, I will have my friend back. or have my friend period.
I wish I could talk to him now. I am still really upset about this whole thing with Justin and I want to talk to Jon about it. Cause indirectly it concerns him. but mostly it concerns me and Jon knows me better than anyone and I could really use him right now. Last night, Justin's friend Jake decides to rip into me about how I treat Justin and how I view him. He really made me mad cause he was way out of line, and he definetly had no place talking to me about all that...especially without talking to Justin first. he said that I keep myself on that pedastal that Justin puts me on and I look down on Justin and that I need to just get over myself and get down from my little perch and get to really know Justin and give him a shot. While I may not have been the best of friends with Justin the whole time I've known him, I do think we are pretty good friends now. And even though I am completely screwed up emotionally right now and I'm not looking to start anything with anyone, if I was, I don't think Justin is the right guy for me. I mean, I've known the uy for almost a decade now and I have never seen even a glimmer of anything that tells me that he is the one for me. I think he is a great guy and I know that he is more than just the little redneck he comes off as sometimes...but still, there is just no attraction there for me. and Jake made me feel like scum for making that decision and stopping Justin from trying any harder than what he does. It's not my fault that Justin has this crush on me and it's not my fault that he tries so hard to impress me. I love Justin for the friend he is and I accept him..even his stupid truck. but I don't want anything else from him but that. I'm sorry it hurts him. I'm tired of hurting people because I can't love them the way they need to be loved by me. I don't understand him. He's seen what I've done to Jon, why would he want anything to do with me? I don't get it.

My mom has managed to freak me out again without even knowing it. She was telling me about Mark, our associate minister. Mark came my senior year of high school, and since I was so close to Sam who was there before him, I had a really hard time opening up to Mark. So he and I were never really on the same page. But since I graduated, I've noticed that Mark always seems extremely uncomfortable around me. He always was. It was like I intimidated him. I chalked it up to the fact that my reputation at church and my closeness with Sam kinda put him in an awkward postion, and that I was never his type of person anyway. That he got along better with Sam and Woody and Rachel. However, my mom has decided that the reason it has continued since I have left home is that Mark is attracted to me. And she told me about this conversation they'd had with him. And Mark said.."the problem with Victoria is that she is never going to find someone good enough for her" Mom said it was a rather random comment and further explained her theory about his attraction to me. But the part that stuck with me is what he said. That I'm never going to find someone that is good enough for me. I don't understand. Do people not realize how horrible of a think that is to say about someone? It makes me feel like a freak. Mark is not the first person to say something along those lines. People like Jon, and Justin, and even Jim for goodness sakes...they have all said that. When my parents say it, I just chalk it up to being biased. But Mark saying this? Mark barely knows me. How does he have any right to say that about me? I hate this. I don't know how I managed to convince people that I am that special or weird or whatever, but I just want to be a normal 20 yr old girl. I want to be in a healthy relaitonship for once in my life. I don't want to think that I'm going to be lonely for 5 or 8 or 10 more years before I finally find someone that comes up to par. I don't want perfection. I just want someone to love me that I love back. That's all I want. I want these stupid walls I keep around my heart to disappear and I want peace. Peace about my life, about my feelings, about my relationships. Shoot I'd settle for just peace in one of those things. I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of being unhappy. and I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of thinking I'm some kind of emotional freak and that I will never be able to open myself up to someone again. I'm scared that I am going to get used to the walls and just hide behind them for forever. Jake told me to just stop hiding. to just open up. ha. like it's that easy. bleh. he still makes me mad. All he knows about me he has gleaned from a handful of conversations, and all of a sudden he is the expert about my emotional health. go suck my toe Jake Moore. You don't know jack about me.
I'm going to bed and I'm going shopping tomorrow. and then I'm going to disney world and I'm getting the heck out of tullahoma.

shit

i spent hours with Jon last night. at one point, i told him i was going to kidnap him. it seems like a pretty good idea to me. to just take him and go someplace where reality could be suspended for a little while. where it would just be us, and we could enjoy the fact that we love each other and we are together. nothing else to interfere with that. nothing like real life. nothing like his girlfriend. nothing like the 3 hrs that separate us 9 months out of the year.
you know, those 3 hrs used to seem like such an obstacle. now, i'd drive them over and over again if it means, in the end, i get to see him.

beep.
my watch broke yesterday, and i realized it at his house. and so he gave me one he had in his bag. it's on my wrist right now and it just beeped at me telling me it is 2.

you know, i bet he gets into big trouble with mary cause of me and spending time with me this weekend. and the fact that i am taking him back to knoxville tomorrow...hmm..i bet i shouldn't have offered to do that. but it meant he got to see his friend. and i knew he'd be really disappointed if he didn't get to see him. so what's a little extra driving time if ultimately it made something go right for him for once...plus that just means i get to spend 3 more hrs with him in a captive audience. and despite how incredibly hard it is for me to see him, and know that if he holds my hand or touches my hair, it feels like he is cheating. it was never cheating before. now it is. now i am the one who has to hold everything back, when all I really want to do is hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder. to just look at him and touch his face. he is so beautiful to me. i love him. i really do. i've never been in love before. and now...i finally think i am. and despite how much the situation sucks, i love the way it makes me feel about him. sometimes, i like to pretend that everything is ok, and it is wonderful that i realized i love him and there are no obstacles. i love those daydreams. reality bites. boo for reality. big thumbs down on that one.
but i have to believe that if he and i were meant to be...then we will be. eventually. somehow. we will be. together. and if not, i pray that God gives me the strength to get over this.

I told him last night that I thought I loved him.

And even though it is a desperate situation and I don't see how it is going to get better any time soon, I am relieved. I don't like keeping secrets, and I've kept this one from everyone. No one knows about it. Except for him. And me. I can't do anything about it. And I can't even see if what I feel is really the real thing. It'll never grow beyond what it is now because I don't think I could handle it if it did.
What am I saying? I can't stop it from growing. I can't do a damn thing. I wasted all my chances to change things. If this were anyone else, I would go down there and fight for it. But I can't. Because I've been wrong so many times in the past. And this isn't something I can be wrong about again.
The song below is one he sent me for Valentine's day last year. I used to think about it in the context of how he felt. Now it's how I feel.

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart.

I wrote this on Sunday. This is an edited version:
...There have been so many things going on in my lif recenetly and I just cna't find any peace about them. Everything with that happened with Jon in the past month has confused me. It made me bitter, angry, and jealous. And tired. so tired of constantly defending myself and my feelings. Tired of having to deal with it every day. Of never being able to get away from it. Tired of always feeling like I failed. That I am never happy with what I have.
Lately, I feel God has been telling me to trust his timing when it comes to relationships, that I should wait on him and not be out searching. So much of my time and energy has gone towards thinking abotu guys and not liking myself because of the lack of a boyfriend or significant other in my life. But that's the wrong way to think about it. There is a plan for me...one specific plan just for me, and God knows it. He's just been waiting for me to understand this. I've never been able to get this. How I do I just give up control?
....I am so completely inexperienced when it comes to relationships. I don't really think that's a bad thing because it is only because I didn't date much in high school. But I turn 20 yrs old in like 3 weeks, and part of me feels like a failure because I haven't been in a relationship beyond whatever you want to call what Jon and I had. And what we had makes me feel even more like a failure.

Ok. so that is where I stopped writing. But there is more to this and it's all I've been able to think about lately. Jon told me the other night that when he realized something, it made him understand everything so much better and it helped him so much. He said "that this is something you have to do...you have to be comfortable with yourself before you can be comfortable with me." I know he was talking about me being comfortable with us being friends. But it still makes me feel like I am the freak here. That I am the one who has this huge problem. Jon is so happy right now. And all it took was him finally getting me out of his life. Well, not getting me out cause he is still one of my best friends. But by getting me out of his system. By not being in love with me. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Like I am this horrible person. There is this Better than Ezra song, and one of the lyrics says something like "everyone who has ever loved you has been hurt". I feel like that. First Jon, then Justin. THIS SUCKS!
I do not want to go see Jake this weekend cause I don't want to get hurt. It comes down to that. Everything else I say is just an excuse. I don't want to be rejected. And I don't want to like him any more than I already do. I want to hide behind my little wall I have built around my heart and just keep everyone out. And I think I could stay like that for a long time except that it hurts so much. You'd never know any of this about me if it weren't for this blogger. And no one knows about it, so I guess my secret is still safe. I am depressed. I am bitter. I feel like a failure when it comes to important thing.
How do I get past that? I wish I knew.

So tell me this...if I am so okay with him dating this mary chick, how come today when he said something about being with her last night and her telling her ex that jon and she were seeing each other, I want to throw up? I have this box of food from the caf in front of me and now i don't have an appetite

how come when i look at myself in the mirror, i do not see a beautiful girl, but when jon was holding me, and we stood in front of the mirror, i was radiant?

tonight sucked

i hate crying and i cried for about an hour

i cried because i feel awful. because my head hurts and i am tired of being sick.
i cried because there was no one here to take care of me, because there was no one who really could have come to take care of me.
i cried because Jon let me down for the first time. because he didn't come running when i needed him. when i wanted him to be here. to hold me close, to brush the hair out of my face and kiss my forehead like only he can. to tell me it's all going to be ok and that he will always be there for me. he wasn't. he was out having a good time and hanging out with people who don't know a thing about how things used to be. who have no history. people who are easier to deal with simply because they just take him at face value and don't associate him with all the hard stuff we've gone through for the past 2 years.
jon is my ex-boyfriend...that's the simplest way to put it even though we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. we dated our senior year of high school for less than 2 months. but it was the 2 years following that time that have affected me so greatly. i didn't really know jon while we were dating. it wasn't until much much later that i understood what exactly had happened and what he was feeling. jon is in love with me. notice the "is" instead of the "was" because he still is. he would marry me tomorrow if he thought i loved him back or even if he thought i would want it. but i do not love jon. i am not in love with jon. and i have no clue why. it makes no sense. i tried to fall in love with him. but we all know how impossible it is to chose who it is that you love. i want to be in love with jon though. he makes me feel like i am the most beautiful, wonderful, worthy person alive. i love the way he makes me feel. i love the way he loves me. i wish i could love him back.


but he didn't come tonight when i called. he always says he would coming running if i did. i needed him tonight. i wanted him tonight.

...i didn't tell him that though

and he would be so mad at me if he knew that i desperately wanted to and didn't. cause he would be one his way here. the 3 hours that separate us are much more impossible than one would think. he has no car and i can't go to him. i can't show up there. broken. humiliated. confused. wanting him. he doesn't understand what it's like. what it is like to still want him. to still be able to feel what it's like to be cradled in his arms and be so content. and yet for my heart to be in such turmoil. to be scared that i am running away from him when i really should be running towards him. scared to admit that maybe i am not in control after all. so scared that i messed up the one love of my life because i am a coward. so scared that maybe i am incapable of love for him and yet he will be the only one who ever loves me. scared that i will never be that comfortable again with another guy.


...i am selfish

it figures
of course it didn't go through
what in my life ever works out the way it's supposed to
i can't ever recreate it
it's gone
and i'm no longer able to dwell on it

SHIT

I always said I wish I had a blogger that no one knew about...so that I could talk about what I really wanted to talk about...so here it is.